Computer Jokes

5 Reasons Computers Are Female

  1. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
  2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
  3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  4. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

    And the number one reason computers are female...

  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

Are Windows a Virus?

     No, Windows are not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

     They replicate quickly. 
         OK, Windows do that.

     Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. 
         OK, Windows do that.

     Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. 
         OK, Windows do that, too.

     Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. 
         Sigh... Windows do that, too.

     Viruses will occasionally make users suspect their system is too slow (see above) and the user will buy new hardware. 
         Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems that Windows are a virus, but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows are not a virus.

Computers In The Movies: It's a Joke !

25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers In The Movies...

  1. Word processors never display a cursor.
  2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
  3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
  4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
  8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
  9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
  10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
  11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
  12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
  15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file - and there are no undelete utilities.
  17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
  20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP [darn fast freon-cooled computer that uses enough power to light a small city].
  22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU [Video Display Unit], the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
  24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
  25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. For example: 
         "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner?"
     "I don't know, let's check."
     "It's the murder weapon!"  
     "Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. 
      No, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). 
      Let's check the closet shelves..."
Copyright unknown

GM and Microsoft

Once at a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.

  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

  6. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. [Note: That was then... Now things have changed ;-) ]

  7. The oil, water temperature and alternator lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

  9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

  10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.

  12. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

  13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

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